the San Francisco treat

well we are back :)

and all 3 of you readers missed me.. i know it.

our trip was delightful. 

crazy? 

why yes, of course.

despite the:

 2 day packing event, flight(s) with children, ear infection(s), stroller wheel(s) exploding, and insane city driving

 we still quite gleefully enjoyed ourselves.

i love traveling, especially with my peeps. 

add a much needed visit to my sister, Union Square shopping, AND a damn ugly rental car.. well yesiree ma'am, you've got yourself a mighty fine vacation.

thank you Aunt Paige for hosting us.

 we miss your musk.. 

when can we come again?

needless to say...

these girls

love her.

*i do have more pics. just not the time to post them yet.

i am SOO behind with everything and we are off again on Thursday.

 i know..

we are jet-setters

:)

she rolled

1 month late according the books

3 months early according to her sister

and just on time according to me.

how lucky San Francisco will be this week

 to host her and her mad skillz 

 Au revoir!

we will be back soon!

there are worse things

i can't sleep.

that really isn't anything new for me,

but tonight

 it feels new. 

i have been an affiliated photographer with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization for almost a month now. for those of you that aren't familiar with this incredible organization, click on the link. it is amazing. It is something that speaks to me. something that i just get, and believe so much in that the moment i learned of it I KNEW I needed to be a part of it.

 but today was my first ever session..  

and i feel scared, and sad, and lonely, and happy, and proud,and grateful, and peaceful all at once... it's enough to drive my already insistent insomnia up about 10 notches.

so here we are.. 12:41 am

i got the call Friday afternoon. as soon as i heard the woman on the other end say, "My name is S. I am social worker at Primary Children's Hospital..." my heart dropped into my stomach. i was actually being called for my first session. i was over-excited the entire phone call, and repeatedly thanked the social worker. she responded with a semi- confused "No..Thank you?" clearly very amused, as i was the one performing the service. but i don't care. i have been so anxious to do this. it's the work of my own angels... it's something i can do for them.. and i feel it like a burn. something that won't go away. something that scares me, but enraptures me... every day i look at my sweet angel-bebe's framed ultrasound photos and i want to feel them. sometimes i want to miss them like they just left yesterday... but that miss has lessened, and i get caught up in the charm of my red-head 1 year old, and the irresistible sqooshiness of my 5 month old. and They.. They seem like They are from another life.

 so this service i can provide. it makes me closer. it brings them to me again, and i DO need that.

 

but it also brings so much more.

 the 24 hours i had in between the phone call and the actual shoot were excruciating. i haven't felt so nervous in a really long time. i prayed.. i prayed, and prayed. i needed the Lord's help. i needed to say the right things.. and capture the right moments. i just needed Him with me.. so i could be there for a family in such a difficult time. walking up to the hospital my hands were literally shaking. i dropped all of my gear in the parking lot, and clumsily gathered it up (what seemed to be) the entire hike to the NICU. i had read my "Volunteer's Training Manual" from cover to cover, and had memorized the conversation given in said manual to say to the nursing staff and family upon arrival. i did okay when i walked though the doors to the nurses station. i breezed through my lines, and they seemed to have bought my feigned confidence. i was feeling good, and brave.. very brave. and then they showed me to her room. i was still okay. i was even okay when nurse C solemnly whispered to me that "She will still be alive while you are here. The family wants to continue with life support one more day. She is stable.. but over all her health is terminal. But she will be alive. She even gets to wear her blessing dress!" . 

 

and then i saw her. 

so small... wrapped so tight, with so many (too many) cords. she had the most perfect tiny dark head of hair. she was making this precious gurgling sound that was in-sync with the buzz of the ventilator. 

she was beautiful... is beautiful. 

little miss baby Z. 

  i immediately forgot all my rehearsed conversation, and i saw the family. i saw they were hurt. that they were scared. but that they too were brave. brave for baby Z. and for baby Z's two older siblings, who seemed enchanted yet frightened with their new sister. the room was full of peace. today was a special day, because today baby Z was able to be out of her isolette. she was able to wear her dress.. she was able to be held by the so many people that loved her. and I got to be there too. it felt like an honor. it was a honor. an hour passed quickly as i too fell in love with this tiny miracle. i photographed her from the tip top of her sweet head, clear down to the bottom of her teeny, tiny feet. she got tired, and cold, and was struggling saturating so we had to let her go back to her bed. baby Z's Mama and Dad were so kind. They made ME feel comfortable. I felt the love they had for their family, and the appreciation they had for me. I quietly left sweet baby Z, and her mourning family behind the hospital door. As I left the NICU I couldn't help but look back and realize that I truly would never have the chance to meet sweet baby Z ever again. and although i am crying now, i didn't then. i didn't then.  in that moment all i could feel was gratitude. i felt so honored that I got to be a big part in tiny baby Z's life on earth. how could i ever have felt worried or scared? my mom often says, "There are two times in life when the veil is so thin.. at a birth, and at a death." 

and today i got to experience both. 

the whole experience has brought so many memories to the forefront. 

oh my sweet little angel bebes...

 how bad i wanted them! 

i think of them.. and i do miss them. 

what would they have been? 

what would they smell like? 

and cry like? 

would i be there favorite too?

 so many questions.. so much heartache.. 

and for SO MANY WOMEN. 

   

we are all in this together as mothers. 

the raw hurt, and scary unknown, the losses we have endured, and most likely will continue to endure. that is what this organization is.

 and even though i am still awake with all of these things in my head, 

i am still over excited and anxious for the next time i get called .

*Please check out the NILMDTS web-site. And pass it along.. the sad truth is that these things DO happen... a lot more than is known. 

SPRING.ish

let me tell you why i loved this weekend...

-easter egg dying... 

.i love the way vinegar smells,

. i will NOT turn me down a deviled egg.

mmm. mmm. 

GOOD

-my old yet, NEW dress

. i got this beaut at a darling little consignment shop up the street.

. aren't we all loving it?? the 50's style was right up my ally

. i've been shrugging off dustin's comment all day of 

"you look like you are in costume."

because gosh darnit, i felt cute!

-sunday walks

. today it finally felt warm enough to venture outside, miracle of miracles!! i already hate the snow that's due to show later this week :(

 .minie insisted on walking duke

. she's the cutest thing since sliced bread

-MINIE

.she always makes my day.

-this man

. he has had a hard month. i won't go into details, but let me just say I LOVE HIM

. even despite his impatience with my photog.ing

. oh.. he also suprised me with FLOOR tickets to the Taylor Swift concert. love him, love him, LOVE HIM.

. he's my hun

-NEW SHOES

.target. i. love. you.

. for real, have you seen cuter flats lately? 

.NO

-awkward self-portraits

. actually, not really making my weekend

. no rhyme or reason except for the fact that my mom always complains there are never pictures of me on the blog.

so here you go mom.

:)

happy weekend to you all.. 

i hope you had a MARV .O. LUS one

natural

i have never really been one for still life photography. call me lame, or phony, or whatever you will, but usually it just doesn't inspire me. i don't know... i just always feel intimidated because it's one thing i can't capture anywhere close to true form.. 

blah. 

this just got boring.

anyway, 

today on our walk i couldn't help but be romanticized by spring, and i tried my hand at it. i personally am quite pleased with my results.

. my subject held still

. post processing was so fun because i could go a little more funky-dunk with my pics.

. nature is pretty

so let's all fall in love with spring

:)

Easter-roo

 Here are a few holiday photos

 to help aid you in your festive frame of mind 

this weekend... 

Enjoy

:)

 merry easter!

but CHAAR-LEE!

~lola sonner

charlie & lola

remember Charlie?

 this little round smoosh is already almost 7 month old.

he and his cute and amazingly talented mama came over the other day and we had lots of fun trying to fool his royal cuteness into sitting..

i love babies.

especially ones named Charlie.

rag⋅a⋅muf⋅fin

-noun

1. a ragged, disreputable person; tatterdemalion.

2. a child in ragged, ill-fitting, dirty clothes

[ sometimes it's just the case. ]

the joke is on you...

seriously.

i am so done with drama in my life. 

2009 has brought nothing but a can full o' worms , and i am DONE with it.

i just want one measly month to go by without some life-changing event occurring. i realize me writing this is in-fact highly dramatic itself, but what can one expect?? sometimes i sink instead of rise.... it's just that.

*sigh*

 the sun will come out tomorrow... right??

so in light of this not so uplifting start let me tell you about today...

today our poopster gave us quite a scare. she has had the pukes for a couple of days now but has remained moderately manageable. however, this morning she woke up from her morning nap fussy and wouldn't be consoled. she started puking horror film style while i held her over the garbage can. she was obviously extremely uncomfortable, and i just held her close trying to comfort her. over a period of 30 minutes she threw up 10 times, went grayish/greenish/whitish in color, and was extremely lethargic. i semi-freaked out, and immediately called the triage nurse of our pediatrician. as soon as i explained Poppy's symptoms the nurse told me to hang up and get to a hospital immediately. i then MAJORLY freaked out. luckily my mom was in the area and was able to get Minie while we rushed to the ER. pop's puked two more times on the way to the hospital, and in my eyes was limp as a noodle by the time we arrived. upon arriving to the hospital i gave a demanding request that "we be seen immediately, my daughter may or may nor be dying!" and the nurses got us right back to a room. and just for the record Primary Children's Hospital really does rock.

 

OF COURSE, by the time we were checked in and back to a room Poppy starting perking up. the doctor on call looked at me like a paranoid mother, and simply told me to try and nurse her. i explained to her that i had been trying all morning, and that she just threw up every time i did.. she told me "to just give it a try", and that if she wouldn't do it they would place an IV. Poppy responded with a coo and a smile, and the doctor left with this annoying all-knowing look in her eye.

 blah. 

you can guess the rest. miraculously Poppy nursed like a champ, and literally was like a brand new girl afterwards. she cooed, laughed, a bobbed her toy around as if she were at the play date of the century.. and me... well, i just felt stupid. after a couple hours of observation and kick time for pops, we were discharged with a diagnosis of "nausea and vomitting".  and i am sure those doctors worked hard for such a diagnosis... heavens knows i needed emergency care to come to that conclusion!

but for real.. what else could they do? she was acting nothing like she was before, and with no sign of any distress with the exception of my own, they had to send us packing. and i TRULY am grateful she didn't need the care. but come on?!?! she couldn't even give them a little sickness act? not even to make me look semi-sane??? i just feel a little sheepish. We payed the top dolla ER copay just so I could nurse my infant. i'm tellin' you..

 anyway... 

april fools mom and dad!

love,

POPPY

i'm so ready for a new season.