sadbye

today we have to say goodbye to our baby. i hate that the word good is in there, because there really is nothing good about this. we never got to say hello, or i love you, or you're beautiful, or i will never, ever stop loving you baby! this baby has already left though.. and i didn't even know it. i feel sad, and scared, and so guilty.

we went to our first "official" doctors appointment yesterday. i had been to my doctor before during this pregnancy, and had a ultrasound already, but this was the first one. you know, the one where they are all happy for you (even if you did just have a baby 5 months ago), and they give you that bag full of goodies, and say "Let's do another scan just to see that little baby". it was all a blur, and i'm so sad and ashamed to say i wasn't shocked when our doctor's smile dropped, and he was all of the sudden much closer to the screen, moving the probe much more vigorously at my sad, sad womb. he told us "I'm having a hard time finding this heart beat. I'm just looking for the right angle." i think dustin and i gave eachother the same look. it was all happening again. as he was moving the probe around i kept seeing glimpses of things that i hadn't seen before. our baby had a face, little arms, and little legs.. all still very rudimentary.. he still was bent over a bit. still had a little bit of a tail. still very beutiful. i then asked my doctor, "shoudln't this baby be moving around at this point?" he looked at me, sadness and recognition very apprent in his eyes, and simply just said, "Yes. Yes, it should be." he had me go for another scan in the next room over.. this other doctor had a more currnet ultrasound machine.. hopefully making it easier to confirm the worse. i left the room. left the bag full of baby and pregnancy stuff behind. we wouldn't be needing that this time.
as i got up on the other table, and lifted my shirt so this new doctor could do the scan, he looked at me very seriously and said, "You know there is a cause for concern... we are doing this because something isn't right." of couse i knew that. i feel like an old pro by this point. his scan was worse. his machine was better, and i could see all of those bean baby images much clearer.. it was so clear that our bean was gone. he just looked so sad in there.. curled up, abandoned and forgotten. my doctor then came in and tried to very graciously work out the rest of the details. he knew my history. he knew this was an unexpected pregnancy, and that i had had my doubts. he tried to tell me , "Please do not feel guilty, your fears and thoughts about this pregnancy had nothing to do with this.. these things just happen." but how can i not feel guilty?? i never really gave this baby a fair chance.

so in another couple of hours i go in for my d&c. i hate this procedure. i hate that they make me come to short stay surgery, and then wheel me very discreatly over to labor and delivery.. like this is something to hide from me, and the women there having their healthy babies. i hate leaving dustin when they wheel me to the OR, and i hate waking up not remembering much, and knowing my baby is gone. it's so empty.

i know this pregnancy was unplanned. it's true... i really didn't want another baby in june. but please, please believe me.. i wanted this baby. it was ours.. another one of our beautiful creations. i feel so sad for it. he or she was going to have the best big sister. i was finally okay with this... i was envisioning matching little red headed girls, with big bows, and big smiles. or a little blonde boy who would look like me and love his mama so much. but now he's gone.. and although i get back all those things that i thought i was losing when i found out i was pregnant, i now lose all of those extra loves, goos, smiles, and cuddles. and for that, i am heart broken over. i feel like i never gave this little one a chance. i'm so sorry baby..

so here were are. 3 out of the 4... i just keep thinking of my now 3 babies that have been lost. i just hope they are with eachother.. safe, warm, and happy. i hope they know that there mama, daddy, and sister love them so much and wish we didn't have to wait so long to be with them again. i'm going to be okay. i can do this, i have done this, and i have so much to be grateful for. i have my beautiful, precious minie to hold, and when she looks at me i know she knows these babies... i know she knows i hurt, and i know she knows she makes all this pain worth it. she makes it heal. she makes it better. she is our miracle and our blessing.

but on this day, we all have to say our sadbye.. and i think we all, even our sweet baby girl, are down and blue with that knowledge. i love you sweet little bean.. i will be there to tuck you in one day. please wait for me.

xoxo,
mommy

A new stage

We have sort of, almost graduated to a new stage... Riding in grocery carts! However, there are a couple stipulations:

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1. It must be a Costco dual rider cart

2. Jude must be the co-rider, helping Minie balance the sitting position

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Regardless, aren't these two just so cute? I certainly think so.

Also... if you ever get the chance, please ask Jude to say "reindeer".

You will NOT be disapointed.

It sometimes just happens...

There is always a price for beauty, and this just so happens to be the ticket Minie pays...

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The sliding headband..

Daily I will find her in her carseat with this little mishap at hand. Usually she will have started crying about 10 minutes earlier, and me being the great mom I am, ignore it thinking she's just tired of being in the car. By the time I finally get back there to retrieve her, she has usually stopped crying and has just accepted the annoyance. Sometimes she is even asleep because well... her eyes are forced shut. You would think I had caught on by now.. but nope, this is still happening.. Poor baby, bad mommy... what can I do??

*SIGH*

However, I promise that I always fix it!!

Much better.

the rumors are true....

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**GULP**

Yep, people

we are pregnant again.

I know, I know, I KNOW! Please do not harass me over this, because I am barely coming to terms with this sudden change of events myself. No, this baby wasn't planned, no, we weren't just being stupid and carelss (I'm still not quite sure how this happened..), YES, we will now have what is known as irish twins, and yes, I am scared out of my mind how hard this is going to be!

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It is insane.

That is the only way I can describe it. This time last year I was barely pregnant with Minie, paralyzed with the fear that I was going to lose her like I had lost two others before. I would have been thrilled to know that in a year I would have 1+ children on the way. It's so funny how things work themselves out.

Losing my first baby was the hardest thing I ever went through. I have never felt such pain, sorrow, and lonliness. My baby died inside of me because my body didn't provide adequately enough for him, and when I left that hospital after he had been scraped from me, I have never felt so empty. I was 4 months pregnant, and my world was shattered. I have always wanted to be a mother. In my eyes there is no greater job a woman can do. I begged and pleaded with the Lord to give me the chance to be a mommy. After I lost my second pregnancy, I honestly believed I might not ever be one. It was such a trial of my faith, and when we finally got to bring Minie home from the hospital, I have never been so grateful.. I couldn't stop the tears of gratitude and happiness. We truly are SO blessed.

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I tell you all this because, this whole "oops, we're pregnant" bit, honestly is a blessing. In a way I feel like the Lord is giving me back those two sweet angels that I lost. I miscarried those two very close together, and now I get to have two to keep very close together. This whole thing is frightening! How am I going to manage? I have no idea, but one thing is clear to me
(even if it's taken some time), Heavenly Father is blessing us so richly and I cannot, and WILL not take that for granted. Minie is so incredible, and if this new little peanut is half as amazing as she is, well then we are the luckiest people in the world!

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So here are the stats:

Baby # 2 is due June 24, 2008 (yes.. a week BEFORE minie was born)

This little baby had a very healthy HB of 153 bpm

I've been sick as a dog, and no where close to threatening a miscarriage!

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Here we go baby number 2!

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*** The picture above isn't actually of our baby. We don't have a scanner and they only gave us a print out picture of him/her. However, don't worry because that is actually an embryo at 8 weeks, and looks almost exactly like ours.. there is not much differance at this stage...

Solid Facts

I forgot to mention that with no longer being a fetus, Minie is now intitled to a little flavor in her life...

SOLIDS!!

We gave it a go for the first time last night, and this is what we came out with knowing:

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Minie will slurp anything you put to her lips

She will smile if you congratulate her on a very good swallow

You should not overload the spoon with more than Minie is ready for.
Otherwise this face appears, and so does a great mess...
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Minie is officially a very good baby!

She was very accepting of this new concept of food. I applaud her for her courage on this matter.. after all, it is kind of a big deal! I've been wanting to put tangible food in that girl's mouth for weeks now... our ship had finally arrived :)

Oh, and one more thing...

would her hair PLEASE grow???

4 Months!

Minsie Moo had her 4 month check-up today, and considering all the shots, it went very well. Here are her current stats:

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4 Months 4 days old

Weight: 13lbs10oz (50%)

Height: 24 inches (48%)

Head Circ.: 40 cm (25%)

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So yeah.. everything is pretty much proportionate except for the pin head issuse.... hope it catches up!

One of the very nice things about our pediatrician is that he is so close to Dustin's work. Dust hasn't missed an appointment yet! I love it when he can make the appointments...especially when there are shots involved :(

Dr. Cramer informed us today that we no longer have a fetus. He told us Minie is officially a baby now... Hurray! His philosphy is that birth-3 months is really just the "4th Trimester". I really couldn't agree more, and I love that I finally got me my baby.. because she is getting so fun!

We absolutely L O V E our pediatrician, and I feel so lucky we fell upon him. Thank you Dr. Gordon Glade for the referal! He really is a fantastic guy. He has always spent about an hour with us in each appointment, never makes you feel rushed, and some how has you leave feeling like you are the world's best parent. Now who wouldn't love that?? If you would like to get a little taste of him yourself simply go to this website

http://deseretnews.com/article/1,5143,695224263,00.html

He writes a short article every Saturday Morning for the paper here in UT. I just found this out about him a few days ago myself.. who knew, a celebrity too!

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Anyway, we love our girl so much! She just keeps getting cuter every day. It's been the longest shortest 4 months of our lives....

Minie Christine Jackson = My Heart

a walk in the pArK...

we are so sad when daddy has to go to class and leave us by our lonesome :( . this last thursday was an especially sad day while daddy was gone, because mommy and i were bored, bored, bOrEd!!! mommy and i had just lounged around the house all day because both she and i were extra tired after all of the halloween festivities the day before. finally mommy couldn't take it any more, and she took me to the park! it was my first time to play in the leaves, and also i got to ride in a swing! hurray!! it was very nice to go out for a fall walk in the park.... i can't wait till i can actually say all this in person.. thankfully mama can translate my goos and gas for me and type it for all you to read!!!

enjoy my pictures!

mommy and i are best friends

i was just a little too small for the swing, but.....

i still had fun!

thanks for finally taking me out of the house mama.. it was just what i needed!

Minie Mouse and more....

Some how this year for Halloween my picture taking took a back seat. I think it had something to do with the fact that I had a child participating in the events.. I don't know. But please do forgive my lack of pictures. These are all I've got!

The day started out with Minie and I meeting up with some friends from the ward at Gardener Villiage. It was so fun to have all the kiddies in their costumes, and very nice to get to know some of the women there a little better. Minie was a trooper about going straigt through her usual nap time, and we got MANY compliments on her costume.


Here are some of the kids dressed up. Minie is in this picture... just drowning in her stroller on the far right. So, the funny thing that kept happening to us all day is this; people would compliment on her costume and the conversation would go something like this:
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Person: What a darling baby as Minie Mouse!
Me: Thank you, I think so.
Person: So what's her name?
Me: Minie.
Person: Oh.. ha, ha. Cute, so what's her real name?
Me: Nope, really her name is Minie. That's actually why she's dressed as Minnie Mouse.
Person: (feeling a little stupid) Oh, how cute....
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Yeah, pretty much that happened like 6 times, and I had to chuckle to myself. How into her costume did these people think I really was? I suppose that's what I get for making things so confusing, but come on people!!

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Mins with Nemo (Jude), and a Lady Bug (Gabi)

So when night hit, we all headed down to my parents house and had our annual murder mystery dinner. The theme was set it wine country, Napa Valley, and we all brought our A game to play. Here is Dust and I dressed up in character. My name was "Tiny Bubbles", a goody two shoes(spelling anyone?) with a liking for polka dots and bows, and Dust was " Ralph Rottengrape", a bad boy/ex-con/New York/ Italian mafia member. I don't know if that's really all his character was supposed to be, but that's all he brought to the table.

The murder mystery is always so much fun, we just all have to indulge.

Some more of our Minie Mouse.

Merm dressed as "Mama Vitto".

And Dad as "Papa Vitto", very dedicated to his role.

Finally the night was over, and Minie Mouse was tired and hungry, so bad boy Dadda had to give her a bottle and call it a night.

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It was a wonderful day, and I must say having a baby somehow makes holidays fun and exciting all over again.

Happy Halloween everyone!!! Now on to Christmas.. I can't hadly wait!