i can't sleep. i've been tossing and turning in bed tonight with a million thoughts racing around. like usual i try find my grounding. i look over to dustin normally and he focuses me. i feel safe and secure, and loved and within moments my racing mind quiets and i drift off to sleep. but tonight he had poppy curled up next to him. and while all my other racing thoughts came still, my heart honestly lept with this over-powering all encompassing love. a love i don't completely understand even myself, but wtiness every day. how am i so lucky to have these individual souls to all love? how did i create two of them ? and how do they all love me so deeply in return? my heart literally is so full of love for every being that is our family.
but how do i show this? how do put into action what i actually feel?
tonight we took the kids to an outdoor mall close-ish to our home. they have a pretty impressive water feature/pop-jet something or other going on. and it felt like a splendid summerish family activity so off we were.
upon arrival to the water both my girls were a little stand-offish and sat with excited eyes on the side lines. both sort of toed the edge, and then would scramble back to me shrieking with both laughter and fear. after a few minutes of this however, my always dare devil poppy, ran straight to the middle of the fountain straddled the largest jet, and let out the most contagious and adorable squeal of delight and fear. i literally laughed out loud, and physically felt so in love with the little-big phenomena she is. she just is so much. and i loooove her so much. she completely has me whooped. it felt so good to see her that happy.
but somehow coexisting with all of this love and pride for poppy is a different love i have for minie. i have an appreciation of her apprehension of the cold water and new sitaution. but also a sadness that she isn't out there giggling and being silly along side her sister. i feel guilty then also that i find so much joy in watching poppy be so happy, that i'd almost forgotten that minie was still standing scared on the sidelines.
so then i leave my happy poppy to hold my minie's unsure hand to tell her she doesn't need to be afraid. i show her she can still have own kind of fun by dodging the exploding water instead of just taking it full on, and now she's finally squealing in delight right along side her sister.
i sat back and felt so much love for my family.i am so blessed. but i also felt guilt. guilt because i know i can't be everything i know they both really need... and need from me.
phew... it's exhausting isn't it?
the whole parenting thing ....how can i show my children just how all encompassing my love for them was, IS, and will always be. they are my hear, and there is no limit that this love of mine can't reach. they are my everything,
to my own mother and father. thank you, thank you, thank you. i have always felt your love and how deep it really ran. and i am sorry for the moments that i forget it. i love you mom. i love you dad. thank you.
this is risky business this parenting thing. i have no idea what is in-store for our future.. but i do know there will always be our love. messed up, confusing, over-whelming amounts of love.
things are going to be okay.
right???
minie and poppy,
please know that i never, ever, EVER will stop loving every crazy, neurotic, silly ounce of you. you are mine and your father's everything. we love you. i LOVE you. with. all. my. heart.
xoxo,
mama
*note to reader
it is 1:20 AM. this is just my muddle brain trying to make sense of my crazy thoughts.
i just want to fall asleep.
if this all sounds like gibberish ... it is :)
goodnight
but how do i show this? how do put into action what i actually feel?
tonight we took the kids to an outdoor mall close-ish to our home. they have a pretty impressive water feature/pop-jet something or other going on. and it felt like a splendid summerish family activity so off we were.
upon arrival to the water both my girls were a little stand-offish and sat with excited eyes on the side lines. both sort of toed the edge, and then would scramble back to me shrieking with both laughter and fear. after a few minutes of this however, my always dare devil poppy, ran straight to the middle of the fountain straddled the largest jet, and let out the most contagious and adorable squeal of delight and fear. i literally laughed out loud, and physically felt so in love with the little-big phenomena she is. she just is so much. and i loooove her so much. she completely has me whooped. it felt so good to see her that happy.
but somehow coexisting with all of this love and pride for poppy is a different love i have for minie. i have an appreciation of her apprehension of the cold water and new sitaution. but also a sadness that she isn't out there giggling and being silly along side her sister. i feel guilty then also that i find so much joy in watching poppy be so happy, that i'd almost forgotten that minie was still standing scared on the sidelines.
so then i leave my happy poppy to hold my minie's unsure hand to tell her she doesn't need to be afraid. i show her she can still have own kind of fun by dodging the exploding water instead of just taking it full on, and now she's finally squealing in delight right along side her sister.
i sat back and felt so much love for my family.i am so blessed. but i also felt guilt. guilt because i know i can't be everything i know they both really need... and need from me.
phew... it's exhausting isn't it?
the whole parenting thing ....how can i show my children just how all encompassing my love for them was, IS, and will always be. they are my hear, and there is no limit that this love of mine can't reach. they are my everything,
to my own mother and father. thank you, thank you, thank you. i have always felt your love and how deep it really ran. and i am sorry for the moments that i forget it. i love you mom. i love you dad. thank you.
this is risky business this parenting thing. i have no idea what is in-store for our future.. but i do know there will always be our love. messed up, confusing, over-whelming amounts of love.
things are going to be okay.
right???
minie and poppy,
please know that i never, ever, EVER will stop loving every crazy, neurotic, silly ounce of you. you are mine and your father's everything. we love you. i LOVE you. with. all. my. heart.
xoxo,
mama
*note to reader
it is 1:20 AM. this is just my muddle brain trying to make sense of my crazy thoughts.
i just want to fall asleep.
if this all sounds like gibberish ... it is :)
goodnight
3 comments:
awww that was sweet! seriously this parenting thing.... you never feel like you can give enough! what a stress! and yet... so fun! xoxo
I love this post. So real! Even at 2 am you put your thoughts into words beautifully.
Brooke, I don't know that I ever spoke a word to you in high school, but after reading your blog for so long I wish I would have. You are a beautiful mother, wife and person. I love reading your blog and feeling like I know you. You have a perspective on life, that is so real and so honest. You inspire me and you inspire others. Just thought you should know.
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