there are worse things

i can't sleep.

that really isn't anything new for me,

but tonight

 it feels new. 

i have been an affiliated photographer with the Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep organization for almost a month now. for those of you that aren't familiar with this incredible organization, click on the link. it is amazing. It is something that speaks to me. something that i just get, and believe so much in that the moment i learned of it I KNEW I needed to be a part of it.

 but today was my first ever session..  

and i feel scared, and sad, and lonely, and happy, and proud,and grateful, and peaceful all at once... it's enough to drive my already insistent insomnia up about 10 notches.

so here we are.. 12:41 am

i got the call Friday afternoon. as soon as i heard the woman on the other end say, "My name is S. I am social worker at Primary Children's Hospital..." my heart dropped into my stomach. i was actually being called for my first session. i was over-excited the entire phone call, and repeatedly thanked the social worker. she responded with a semi- confused "No..Thank you?" clearly very amused, as i was the one performing the service. but i don't care. i have been so anxious to do this. it's the work of my own angels... it's something i can do for them.. and i feel it like a burn. something that won't go away. something that scares me, but enraptures me... every day i look at my sweet angel-bebe's framed ultrasound photos and i want to feel them. sometimes i want to miss them like they just left yesterday... but that miss has lessened, and i get caught up in the charm of my red-head 1 year old, and the irresistible sqooshiness of my 5 month old. and They.. They seem like They are from another life.

 so this service i can provide. it makes me closer. it brings them to me again, and i DO need that.

 

but it also brings so much more.

 the 24 hours i had in between the phone call and the actual shoot were excruciating. i haven't felt so nervous in a really long time. i prayed.. i prayed, and prayed. i needed the Lord's help. i needed to say the right things.. and capture the right moments. i just needed Him with me.. so i could be there for a family in such a difficult time. walking up to the hospital my hands were literally shaking. i dropped all of my gear in the parking lot, and clumsily gathered it up (what seemed to be) the entire hike to the NICU. i had read my "Volunteer's Training Manual" from cover to cover, and had memorized the conversation given in said manual to say to the nursing staff and family upon arrival. i did okay when i walked though the doors to the nurses station. i breezed through my lines, and they seemed to have bought my feigned confidence. i was feeling good, and brave.. very brave. and then they showed me to her room. i was still okay. i was even okay when nurse C solemnly whispered to me that "She will still be alive while you are here. The family wants to continue with life support one more day. She is stable.. but over all her health is terminal. But she will be alive. She even gets to wear her blessing dress!" . 

 

and then i saw her. 

so small... wrapped so tight, with so many (too many) cords. she had the most perfect tiny dark head of hair. she was making this precious gurgling sound that was in-sync with the buzz of the ventilator. 

she was beautiful... is beautiful. 

little miss baby Z. 

  i immediately forgot all my rehearsed conversation, and i saw the family. i saw they were hurt. that they were scared. but that they too were brave. brave for baby Z. and for baby Z's two older siblings, who seemed enchanted yet frightened with their new sister. the room was full of peace. today was a special day, because today baby Z was able to be out of her isolette. she was able to wear her dress.. she was able to be held by the so many people that loved her. and I got to be there too. it felt like an honor. it was a honor. an hour passed quickly as i too fell in love with this tiny miracle. i photographed her from the tip top of her sweet head, clear down to the bottom of her teeny, tiny feet. she got tired, and cold, and was struggling saturating so we had to let her go back to her bed. baby Z's Mama and Dad were so kind. They made ME feel comfortable. I felt the love they had for their family, and the appreciation they had for me. I quietly left sweet baby Z, and her mourning family behind the hospital door. As I left the NICU I couldn't help but look back and realize that I truly would never have the chance to meet sweet baby Z ever again. and although i am crying now, i didn't then. i didn't then.  in that moment all i could feel was gratitude. i felt so honored that I got to be a big part in tiny baby Z's life on earth. how could i ever have felt worried or scared? my mom often says, "There are two times in life when the veil is so thin.. at a birth, and at a death." 

and today i got to experience both. 

the whole experience has brought so many memories to the forefront. 

oh my sweet little angel bebes...

 how bad i wanted them! 

i think of them.. and i do miss them. 

what would they have been? 

what would they smell like? 

and cry like? 

would i be there favorite too?

 so many questions.. so much heartache.. 

and for SO MANY WOMEN. 

   

we are all in this together as mothers. 

the raw hurt, and scary unknown, the losses we have endured, and most likely will continue to endure. that is what this organization is.

 and even though i am still awake with all of these things in my head, 

i am still over excited and anxious for the next time i get called .

*Please check out the NILMDTS web-site. And pass it along.. the sad truth is that these things DO happen... a lot more than is known.