what about it?

i know. this blog is being neglected. and i hate it. really, truly, honestly i do. every day the guilt gnaws at me just a tad bit more, so here i am updating with not really much to inform.

i don't know. i have just felt a little blaw. here is the big (or not so big.. you be the judge) surprise. i fight clinical depression. it's a mild case.. nothing earth shattering, and nothing debilitating to my life. but i do.
it hasn't always been the case.... i generally like to describe myself as an optimistic, happy-go-lucky type of gal. in fact, i sort of pride myself on being this person, and feel like i do a pretty good job of being that girl about 80% of the time. i guess just as i have gotten older, gotten a little more "life" under my belt, tried my hand at this adult thingy, things get me down.. lower than what i am told to be normal, and then i get a fist full on anxiety to boot.. and well, i'm one scary mama, and an even scarier wife. this has been going on since poppy's birth... and trust me my sweet baby love, this has nothing to do with you, and everything to do with hormones, and genetcis. you are joy. sunshine, happy, and perfect all wrapped in one. YOU could never bring me down.
anyway, 9 months postpartum after the norm of "baby blues" didn't go away, and those darn anti-depressant commercials seemed to be playing my life out in form of commercial before my eyes, i got help. and LUCKILY (or not so lucky i suppose), i have a huge support system. you see depression runs in the family.. rampant really. once i got past the initial frustration of admitting i actually was struggling, it felt so good to talk about it with my mom(s) (both sets :) ), sisters, friends, husband and know they understood. know they didn't judge me or look down at me.
and well.. now, 1 zoloft a day keeps the scary away.
mostly. sometimes i still feel just.. down. uninspired, bored, exhausted, nervous, and generally just yuck. but then i go and thumb through that one special adult dictionary and realize that is just the definition under "mom". there are others there too... you know. the good ones that keep us all going at this thing. and i guess that is just the point.
sometimes life isn't all rosy and perfect. and it also isn't all doom and gloom... it's just life.. a tad boring. expected, and unexpected all at once.
i know this is no earth shattering epiphany. i am like number 27,500,056 when it comes to originality on this whole speal.. but this is my blog after all,
so it feels like i am number 1.

anyway.. there was a really long explanation to where i have been. on the downward swing of things. i have hardly picked up my camera, and i hurt all over a little bit because of this. i'm not really sure what happened there. but i miss it. i miss taking pictures of my kids.. miss hunting down the good light.. just generally miss it. the poopy thing about photography is that just like anything else you have to work for it. long gone are the days that i feel like i can just pick up a camera and snap. my brain doesn't function that way anymore. i feel like i need to work out my angle, get the decent light, capture the emotion, AND somehow have decent eye-contact with my toddler subjects. and if i somehow acheive all that.. then it's on to photoshop. which i have a serious love-hate relationship with. why does is have to make my photos look so much cooler? why does it have to be so simple, and then so complicated, and then FOUR hours later produce what i love? i'm telling you.. it's work. a lot of it. albeit enjoyable. so i do intend to pick that up again. stay tuned.

the silly thing about all of this, is that however dull life my seem, i do have so much to tell.
i am so in love with my girls. they change so much every day, and i promise you, are the most adorable things this side of the Mississippi. poppy is just flat out, DELISH. seriously, the girl melts me. she has this raspy, little voice that just chirps around the house all day long. ALWAYS sports a head full of crazy hair, and has the worlds silliest teeth. i'm in love.
minie is a little devil. but the cutest little michief, so as you may guess, gets a way with murder. remember all of those things you tell yourself you will NEVER do when you are a parent? oh, that's right.. i do them all.. and then some. me says get yourself a 2 year old, and then we'll talk.

i don't know.. i wish i could write all of the little things i adore so much.. but as par for course, time is limited, and my brain feels like mush. but i want to do better. i will do better.
after a quick visit to my 89 year old Grandma today, i of course walked away feeling the need to better myself. Johnnie Belle has always been one to be in-tune with the spirit, but i swear-to-you -dammit .. the older that woman gets, the veil gets thinner and thinner. most quotes from her are pretty much directly from God himself... so when she told me today, "brooke.. you must write it all down. you must remember it somehow. it is all important." i took it more than just a subtle hint.

i hope this is isn't too depressing. i realize i just blog vomited all about.. but that's what happens when you hold it in. one big, long boring post, and NO photos.
i apologize.

hopefully i can take this blog by the reins and keep it interesting.

until then,

xo

brooke

ps.
tomorrow is my birthday. :)
i will 24. that sounds really young, but feels really old.
like perhaps a 4 in lieu of the 2 is more appropriate? i don't know...
however, i do know our childless weekend in Vegas may change that.
we shall see.
happy birthday to me!