sadbye

today we have to say goodbye to our baby. i hate that the word good is in there, because there really is nothing good about this. we never got to say hello, or i love you, or you're beautiful, or i will never, ever stop loving you baby! this baby has already left though.. and i didn't even know it. i feel sad, and scared, and so guilty.

we went to our first "official" doctors appointment yesterday. i had been to my doctor before during this pregnancy, and had a ultrasound already, but this was the first one. you know, the one where they are all happy for you (even if you did just have a baby 5 months ago), and they give you that bag full of goodies, and say "Let's do another scan just to see that little baby". it was all a blur, and i'm so sad and ashamed to say i wasn't shocked when our doctor's smile dropped, and he was all of the sudden much closer to the screen, moving the probe much more vigorously at my sad, sad womb. he told us "I'm having a hard time finding this heart beat. I'm just looking for the right angle." i think dustin and i gave eachother the same look. it was all happening again. as he was moving the probe around i kept seeing glimpses of things that i hadn't seen before. our baby had a face, little arms, and little legs.. all still very rudimentary.. he still was bent over a bit. still had a little bit of a tail. still very beutiful. i then asked my doctor, "shoudln't this baby be moving around at this point?" he looked at me, sadness and recognition very apprent in his eyes, and simply just said, "Yes. Yes, it should be." he had me go for another scan in the next room over.. this other doctor had a more currnet ultrasound machine.. hopefully making it easier to confirm the worse. i left the room. left the bag full of baby and pregnancy stuff behind. we wouldn't be needing that this time.
as i got up on the other table, and lifted my shirt so this new doctor could do the scan, he looked at me very seriously and said, "You know there is a cause for concern... we are doing this because something isn't right." of couse i knew that. i feel like an old pro by this point. his scan was worse. his machine was better, and i could see all of those bean baby images much clearer.. it was so clear that our bean was gone. he just looked so sad in there.. curled up, abandoned and forgotten. my doctor then came in and tried to very graciously work out the rest of the details. he knew my history. he knew this was an unexpected pregnancy, and that i had had my doubts. he tried to tell me , "Please do not feel guilty, your fears and thoughts about this pregnancy had nothing to do with this.. these things just happen." but how can i not feel guilty?? i never really gave this baby a fair chance.

so in another couple of hours i go in for my d&c. i hate this procedure. i hate that they make me come to short stay surgery, and then wheel me very discreatly over to labor and delivery.. like this is something to hide from me, and the women there having their healthy babies. i hate leaving dustin when they wheel me to the OR, and i hate waking up not remembering much, and knowing my baby is gone. it's so empty.

i know this pregnancy was unplanned. it's true... i really didn't want another baby in june. but please, please believe me.. i wanted this baby. it was ours.. another one of our beautiful creations. i feel so sad for it. he or she was going to have the best big sister. i was finally okay with this... i was envisioning matching little red headed girls, with big bows, and big smiles. or a little blonde boy who would look like me and love his mama so much. but now he's gone.. and although i get back all those things that i thought i was losing when i found out i was pregnant, i now lose all of those extra loves, goos, smiles, and cuddles. and for that, i am heart broken over. i feel like i never gave this little one a chance. i'm so sorry baby..

so here were are. 3 out of the 4... i just keep thinking of my now 3 babies that have been lost. i just hope they are with eachother.. safe, warm, and happy. i hope they know that there mama, daddy, and sister love them so much and wish we didn't have to wait so long to be with them again. i'm going to be okay. i can do this, i have done this, and i have so much to be grateful for. i have my beautiful, precious minie to hold, and when she looks at me i know she knows these babies... i know she knows i hurt, and i know she knows she makes all this pain worth it. she makes it heal. she makes it better. she is our miracle and our blessing.

but on this day, we all have to say our sadbye.. and i think we all, even our sweet baby girl, are down and blue with that knowledge. i love you sweet little bean.. i will be there to tuck you in one day. please wait for me.

xoxo,
mommy